05 - A Time You Thought About Ending Your Own Life

Yes, I’m aware that I missed days 03 and 04. That was intentional. I’ll come back to them later.

So, I don’t think I’ve ever truly considered ending my own life.

I do specifically remember a time when I prayed to die…but I was on anesthetics at the dentist office. So I’ll tell you about that, since that’s the closest I can think of.

I had what is called an ankylosed tooth. Basically, one of my molars fused to my jawbone somehow, and made it to where the rest of my teeth couldn’t come in properly, or move into their ideal place. So, the only thing to do was to undergo surgery and have it removed.

I think I went to my regular dentist…they just gave me the funny gas or whatever that stuff is, and I fell asleep. This was all according to plan…as far as I know. I think I was meant to fall asleep. However, I woke up in the middle of the surgery.

And boy, was I trippin’.

I’ve never done drugs that weren’t prescribed for me, and haven’t taken those in a way that wasn’t doctor directed…so I’m not really sure what sort of “high” this was…but I’m telling you it was one of the craziest things I’ve ever experienced.

Everything I saw was pixelated, like a comic book. Everything was drawn exactly like a comic book, actually. The dentist, his assistant, the room around me; all in pixels, all in vivid colors. And the dentist and his assistant both had dialogue bubbles, which floated in the air by their heads, and what they were saying was typed into the bubbles as they said it.

No joke.

I watched in wonder as the words I heard were typed into the dialogue bubbles hovering above my head, and then became aware of another type of bubble. This one was puffy…like a thought bubble…

…and it was coming from my mouth.

It had dashes (like hyphens) being typed into it. And, as I watched them, I realized that they signified the amount of pain I was feeling. That must have been what woke me up, though I have no recollection of the dentist or assistant talking directly to me or asking me if I was okay…so I suppose it’s possible that I was “dreaming.”

Regardless, the dashes started getting closer and closer together, until they became a solid line of pain…complete with a continuous beep…like on TV when someone’s heart stops beating. All I was aware of was pain, and lots of it.

As I continued to process what I was experiencing, the pain increased, and all I wanted was for it to stop…and I vaguely remember praying that I would die, and that God would save me from all the pain I was feeling.

Fortunately, God did not answer my prayer uttered under the influence of medication, and I can only hope that I didn’t voice any of this hallucination to the dentist or his assistant…though I suppose, if I had, they wouldn’t have let me leave. I recovered fully from the ordeal, and now I have this great story to tell :)

I think this is one of the many reasons that I really enjoy this.