Feels Like Crazy

Oh my.
I feel like I'm insane.
Or, tottering on the edge of insanity.
Or, perhaps running straight off the cliff of insanity, only it's like one of those Looney Tunes where I don't know that I've run off a cliff, so I continue to run on empty space, and haven't completely fallen in and turned into a little puff of dirt at the bottom of a canyon...


The really strange part is that I'm not entirely sure why I feel crazy. Which only reinforces my suspicion that I am.

I assume it has something to do with the lack of sleep, medication change, the increased amount of stress, my overactive imagination and paranoia joining forces to create all sorts of fun imaginary situations for me to fret over without real cause, my disappointment at failing to do some things I planned on, the self-analysis I've been conducting lately, my thoughts or concerns about future plans, etc.

I almost feel like this whole process is meant for something. Not in the generic "everything happens for a reason," but in the sense of a specific reason. Meant for me to realize my potential, or realize a dream or goal so I feel like I have a purpose in my life, or...something.
I hope I'm right.
I think I'm ready for a little direction and insight.
I feel like I have blinders on, and like I've only been able to catch glimpses of not only the plans before me, but of my own heart and what I'd like to do...not that it's all about me, of course, but I feel a little listless...drifting about, waiting for...well...I don't know what.
Just something.

Perhaps a passion to be ignited for pursuing a specific career; perhaps a job opportunity that presents itself, is workable and flexible, and doesn't make me wish I had a root canal scheduled instead of being there; perhaps the confidence to be who I was meant to be and do what I was meant to do - whoever and whatever that is.

I guess I'm just on a journey of discovery.
It's not that I'm uncertain of everything...but I feel like I'm missing something.
I know it's untrue, but I feel like everyone else seems to know what they want and how to get it, and I'm the only one clueless.
I feel like life is so busy sometimes that thought...the process of actually thinking...gets swept away, and if you're not careful, you can wake up one morning and be years down a path you weren't even aware you stepped onto.
I feel like I should have a plan.
I feel like I should know what I'm doing next, or where to start looking for it. And...
...I just don't.

But, you know what? That's okay. At least I'm searching. And, I assume that, somewhere along this crazy endeavor, I'll find whatever it is that I'm meant to.