It's Time to Try Defying Gravity...

Do you ever have those moments in life where you recognize that something extremely meaningful is happening...something that will alter the outcome of the rest of your life? And it's almost like an out of body experience -- somehow you're looking at the big picture...and on the linear timeline that is your life, you know this moment stands out alone. Something is different. To quote Wicked, "Something has changed within me...something is not the same."

I had such a moment today. I am, in fact, still mulling over this revelation. It's strange, I think...how much this seems to have impacted me...how much it's taking me to process this. It seems like I would have responded the same way at pivotal life events like...when I went to college, the moment I knew my husband was going to propose, or the day I got married...and yet I don't recall those moments, treasured and precious as they were, causing me to take a step backward and marvel at the direction my life was taking.
Something has changed. I am not the same.

What, you may ask, is making me so befuddled? I turned in my letter of resignation two weeks ago at work, and it was announced to the rest of the staff today. This is truly not an ideal time to have to process all of this, as I have family coming into town TOMORROW...and my house is a disaster. I don't mean the kind that your mom says when she's being humble...where like a sock is out of place or the dishes aren't done. This is full blown everything is everywhere, and nothing happens to be where it belongs. I have laundry to do, bathrooms to clean, floors to vacuum, rooms to organize and set up, miscellaneous items to pick up, sleep to get, AND apparently, a life-altering moment to consider. I really don't have the time for this now. And yet, here I am, procrastinating further, trying to sort out my thoughts.

So, I will write just a few words on this momentous occasion, as I believe it is warranted.

I, along with my husband, have been considering this decision for a long time. My husband (as most of you know) is a pastor, and I've found myself having essentially two full time jobs, and then some. My job as a receptionist, my job as a wife, my feeble attempt at running a household, and my involvement with the church have left me with a jam packed schedule, and without the ability to excel in any of the things I try so hard to accomplish. This is the primary reason I decided to leave my job. My lifelong ambition is not to be a receptionist. I'm good at my job, I enjoy my job for the most part...but I don't want to do it forever.

If I'm being completely honest, there were other factors as well...namely interoffice drama. But that is a complicated and many-fanged beast, and I'd rather not tackle it at this time.

I knew today was the day that they were going to announce my not returning next year. I've built relationships with the people I work with, some of them very strong. I believe I have the respect of all of my colleagues, and I anticipated that they would be disappointed when the announcement was made. I was also fearful that I would have some sort of emotional breakdown due to stress and emotional attachment. I had anxiety attacks for most of the afternoon. I told one of the ladies I work with before the meeting what the news would be...and she started to cry. I felt terrible, and my stomach knotted further as I anticipated the coming meeting with dread.

I sat through the meeting, trying to act "normal," waiting for them to drop the bomb.

When my principal announced that I wouldn't be returning, there was an audible intake of breath from my fellow staff members. A literal *gasp* could be heard from everyone around me. My principal did a beautiful job of explaining why I was leaving and, to my surprise, many people appeared to be nodding in agreement, as if they were supportive of my reasons to go.
I received many encouraging sentiments after the meeting...the things everyone wants to hear: "This place won't be the same without you," "We'll miss you so much," "I'm happy for you, but I'm sad for us," "I understand why you're doing what you're doing -- but selfishly, I really don't know what I'm going to do without you," "Whoever replaces you will have big shoes to fill," and etc. And, while these thoughts warmed my heart, and their encouragement solidified my resolve that I had made the right choice, it was as if a small thought burst into existence in my heart...and began to grow.

By the time I got home, the thought had evolved into what I recognized to be my dream. And that's when it hit me -- I am actually, actively taking the steps to pursue my dreams. I plan on taking art classes in the fall, and working toward an associates in art. After that, I intend to get a special certification in illustration.

This decision...this day...this moment...is the first step in the direction that my heart has always been pulling me. Oddly enough, it's also as if part of me didn't recognize what my heart has been trying to communicate...and the rest of me has just finally understood, and realizes the enormity of being in a united purpose with the rest of...well, me.
(It is so very difficult to articulate this sort of thing.)

And that, I suppose...is why this feels so momentous.

So, here I go, onward and upward to "defy gravity," as it were.
Oh, right. And clean my house ;)