Inspiration Through Incentive

I've been thinking a lot the last few days about many things. I'm pretty much a thinker. I know that would surprise some of you...but I analyze, process, dissect, evaluate, and re-evaluate most everything. Sean preached last Sunday on rethinking thanks. It was time appropriate, of course, what with the recent passing of the Thanksgiving holiday. But something he said has stuck with me, and is kind of making me re-evaluate the way I think about other things. The point he made that struck me most was something along the line of the absence or presence of gratefulness/thankfulness in your life is one of the most accurate indicators of your spiritual health. So, in essence, if you're well balanced spiritually, you ought to be abundantly thankful. I really need to find my notes from that sermon, and give you his actual phrasing -- it was much more concise than that, and probably clearer too. ;)

*edit - actual phrasing* The presence or absence of thanks is one of the most reliable indicators of spiritual health

Anyway, it made me start to think about how many character traits are intertwined with one another, and how usually the absence or presence of one indicates the absence or presence of another character trait or virtue. Does that make sense?

So here's the jump to what specifically I've been pondering the last few days. The pairing of commitment and sacrifice. I went to a free trial class of Krav Maga on Monday, to see if I'd like it, and to see if it was something I thought would help me lose weight and get in shape. I went, I loved it, and (no surprise) I was offered a membership with special perks to joining that very night, as opposed to a few days later. Needless to say, I found myself in the dark, in the cold, in the car, on the phone with my husband, pleading with him to let me join. There's a monthly membership fee that is quite pricey, and it's a one-year contract...which is a long time. And he was asking me what I could tell him that would convince him that I would hold true to my commitment and go a specified number of times a month. As I sat there, in the car, mulling over how much I thought this meant to me, and what I was willing to sacrifice, words clearly formed by the endorphins rushing through me spilled out. Are you ready for this? I said...

...essentially, I said I would give up shopping if I fell through on my part of the bargain. I'm not addicted to shopping; I don't do it excessively...but I do enjoy it thoroughly. I love bargain buys and thrifty finds. I love buying art supplies to make things for around the house, or for my friends. I love buying pretty much anything at Bed Bath & Beyond to try to make our house more like a home. I love to buy clothes (though this is probably my least common purchase right now). I love the freedom in knowing that I can pick up something without having to run it by anyone. And that's what I said I would sacrifice, if I didn't fulfill my end of the deal.

Once the endorphins wore off, panic set in. I wasn't sure why I'd said what I'd said, or why it was so extreme (as a side-note, that DID convince Sean that I meant business, and I joined KM), and yet I think what scared me more is that I was okay with the level of tenacity with which I had just committed myself to this plan.

I can't think of one time in the last 10 years, probably, that I have been satisfied with what I look like physically...possibly longer than that, though some of that was due to being an awkward teenager, as many of us have to be. Some of that was due to being raised in a family where none of the women I spent quality time with had a healthy concept of self-worth or value and, consequently had no self-esteem. Some was due to a distorted concept of my own self-image that I gleaned from negative dating relationships. But some of that was my own dissatisfaction with my appearance because of things I could change...and for some inexplicable reason, didn't.

Here I am, years later, countless fad diets and tactics behind me...nothing having worked because I didn't sacrificially commit to it for one reason or another. And all the while, I've stayed discontent.

Part of me wonders how much this is/was a physical problem and how much it was an awareness of my disappointment in myself for not being willing to sacrifice for what I thought I wanted.

All that to say, while my self-inflicted punishment (should I fail to attend class) is extreme (and scares me a lot!), it's great incentive...and why would that be a bad thing? I think it's clear that commitment and sacrifice go hand in hand. And, while I'm not saying I won't be frustrated, or overwhelmed, or discouraged...something about this has renewed a hope in me that was previously slumbering. The hope that this time, things will be different, because I have actually put something on the line to achieve what I want. It's rather liberating.

I know this is kind of deep, and I feel a little vulnerable in sharing it all...but it has really struck me as poignant.